Searching for the bumps and bruises

Have you ever had a moment that has transported you back to another time in your life? Music does that for me. I sometimes listen to a song which marks a period in my life and I can picture where I was the first or most significant time the song played in my life. I was sitting just now, working and I heard “Sunny came home” by Shawn Colvin, and I went back to 10th grade summer. Dawson’s creek was in the air, I was in summer school, having a car made you cool and something as simple as a song could brighten up my day. I was such a different person then.
I began to compare the girl I was then to the person I am now, and I’m not sure if I have evolved or simply dug a hole and stuck my head in it; like an ostrich. Then I began to think, what are the events in my life that have led me to this point in time? What happened to me? Why did I ever allow myself to get to this point? When did I become so guarded.
I started to mentally scan my body in search for the bumps and bruises of the falls I must have had along the way that have caused me to walk around with kneepads on and enough attire to allow me to safely keep goal for the toughest Canadian ice hockey team. I should feel protected, safe from harm and all the figurative hockey pucks that might come my way, but the padding weighs and I feel like I am suffocating under it.
Unlike a hockey goalie, I don’t take the padding off after a couple of hours. I’m wearing it all the time and it seems that I put more and more on, on a daily basis. It doesn’t even take a hit anymore, I just pile it on stronger whenever I feel the rest of the world is getting too close. It was so easy one upon a time, I was blissfully unaware of the world at large.
Once in a while, when I am alone, I take the padding off and check for marks, there are a few, but most you can’t see, or at least I can’t, I can only remember them. I guess it’s my stubborn nature that I don’t want the same thing to happen twice that I might end up never trusting anyone again for a long time.
I need to continue to dig deep into myself and see if I can fix myself, for this, I decided to walk away from the people who matter the most and I bumped into one that matters more than anyone ever has. I hope I’m not so broken that I can’t respond when he needs me to, and I also hope, that when my cuts are healed, my bruises have faded and my phantom pain has flown away, there’s still a path for me to come home.