When I was growing up, I spent most of my life away from a a person that I loved very much. Let me explain. When I was one year old, my parents got a divorce and my mother and I moved to Madrid, Spain for 10 years.
My life was always split in half. When I was in Madrid, I was away from 80% of my family. When I was in Miami, I was away from the people that made up my everyday life. I think, that for this reason I created an unconscious mechanism that impedes me from missing or longing for people. In general, wherever I am is where my life is.
I have always known about this aspect of my personality, although I believes that it only applied when I was away for long period of time spanning months. I have come to realize of late that it is something that applies to all moments in my life: I don´t miss people.
It is easy to assume that because i don´t miss people I may not love or care about them. That would be a misconception. I love the people in my life very much, think of them often and take the things that they have taught me and apply them in my daily life no matter where I am, but I don´t long for them.
There is the odd moment where I will be down and need one person for one quality they possess or another. I long for my mother because she always makes me feel like there is no problem. My dad because he heslps my analytical mind. My grandfather for his firmness. My Godfather for his ass-kicking abilities... each person in my life pushes me in one direction in my life and it is the relationship that is lacking for me at times.
But this week at Pueblo Ingles I have come to the conclusion that my inability for longing is actually one component of a larger quality that I possess: the ability to instantly adapt to my present situation. I could probably move to Pueblo Ingles for a period of time and be perfectly happy here. I could have done the same thing in the Camino, when I am in Madrid, that is my life.
The thing is, I don´t undertand this quality about myself. I have rarely thought that I am a loner. I have always considered that I need to have my circle of loved ones close at hand, but now I am starting to wonder is this is a misconception that I had about myself.
In any case, this quality is probably one that will come in handy as I am out wondering around the world.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Searching for confidence
I have a wry and mean sense of humor. I have always said (and I believe) that I simply say out loud what most people are simply too afraid or too kind to say. But I have been thinking a lot these past two days that it is simply a shield that I have set up through the years to mask my insecurity.
I am very insecure. I am always afraid that people don’t love me, that people don’t like me and that I am not worthy of being loved. I walk on a road that is paved with egg shells and I am in constant fear that something I say or do will turn someone’s opinion on me and that therefore they will stop caring for me.
Some days it doesn’t even cross my mind. While I was on the Camino, I was fine. I wasn’t constantly second guessing myself and wondering about people. I guess maybe it was because inside I knew that these people that I met were passing. The people that I met I might not ever meet again, so if they didn’t like me, then that was fine. When I got back, I innocently thought that all of that was behind me, that somewhere along my path I had shed my insecurities and that I was free from all the things that had weighed me down. In order for that to happen I think I might have to be on the Camino for a very, very long time, until perhaps I became someone else completely.
It’s so easy to be at ease when you are away from the real world; away from everything that counts. I have come back and all the fears that had temporarily taken vacation have come back, with their luggage intact. They have come back rested and with Hawaiian shirts on, ready to get back to work, eating at me slowly and with newfound zeal.
I think I might be this way because somewhere, sometime, I decided that I wasn’t worthy of love. I don’t believe I’m worthy of anyone’s love. The weird thing is that I am capable of admitting these things about my personality, but I have no idea how to fix them.
I have been told throughout my life that I am someone who is very easy to love. Every time I have been told this, I secretly wonder what the person that has said this has been smoking. What, I wonder, could these people see in me that would make them think that I am easy to love. I always chalk it up to the fact that they don’t really know me on the inside.
I don’t feel accomplished. I don’t feel like the things that I have done in my life amount to much, and I always think that I could have done so much more. When my mother or people that I know tell me that I have done great things I think that it is simply that I have painted a pretty picture for them to look at and that they are all fooled. The worst part is that with that belief comes a fear that one day I will be discovered as a fraud.
Talent, beauty, intelligence, these are all things that I am praised with but when I look in the mirror I just don’t see them. When I am feeling brave, I sit in front of the mirror searching for these things and some days I can’t find them.
I have heard that there is this exercise that you can do in order to see if you are happy with yourself: sit in front of a mirror, with no music and no one else in the room and stare at yourself for one minute, if you cannot do this then you are not happy with yourself. I am not sure if I have ever done this, but it is something that I should probably try.
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine asked me why it was that I talked about all the darker sides of my personality, bad things that had happened to me throughout my life and things that I felt I was afflicted with. He thought that I was a person who was plagued with bad things. He comes from a culture where you don’t talk about the bad things and this way they simply don’t exist.
If I talk about my dark moments and my dark sides it is because I believe: “Guerra avisada no mata soldados.” This means that wars that have been announced don’t kill soldiers. So maybe if I take my fears and my weaknesses and put them out there then perhaps at least they don’t come behind and surprise me.
Tomorrow is my best friend Sophie’s wedding. She and her husband to be, Andy, are so made for each other that being around them is refreshing and wonderful. They don’t stress, they don’t worry and they are two of the most secure people I have ever met in my life. I guess in the process, I have found myself in front of a big mirror and am wondering why it is that I am not more secure within myself.
When I look at myself all I see is what is wrong. And the funny thing is that I am not a glass-half-empty kind of gal. When a problem comes my way I usually attack it with all I’ve got and have faith that I will get through it. So why don’t I have as much faith in my attributes as I do in my resolve?
I guess I wear that sentiment on my sleeve. It’s a funny thing really because sometimes I will have deep conversation with people I have never met and a comment which comes to me after a conversation is that I am too hard on myself; people that know me well say that too.
This kind of insecurity would not go away if I was to climb Mt. Everest, own my own Fortune 500 Company, have a beautiful and healthy family and never had to worry about money again in my life. I wonder at what moment I convinced myself that I wasn’t worthy of love or that I shouldn’t be liked. I am sometimes surprised when certain members of my friends or family tell me that they miss me or that they think I’m great. I many times wish that I could share that sentiment.
Though I feel very alone in this feeling that I have, I think maybe lots of people feel this way sometimes, there is this very cheesy movie which has a line that the main character repeats to himself all the time “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me.” I sometimes think that I should tattoo this on my forehead (backwards obviously) so that every time I look at the mirror I remember these things, but then, a tattoo on my forehead would be very unattractive and the simple fact of the tattoo would not take away the feelings inside.
I guess for now I will just have to practice the “fake it ‘til you make it” technique. If I simply tell myself that I am good enough, that I am smart enough and that people really do love me, maybe one day I will actually believe it.
I am very insecure. I am always afraid that people don’t love me, that people don’t like me and that I am not worthy of being loved. I walk on a road that is paved with egg shells and I am in constant fear that something I say or do will turn someone’s opinion on me and that therefore they will stop caring for me.
Some days it doesn’t even cross my mind. While I was on the Camino, I was fine. I wasn’t constantly second guessing myself and wondering about people. I guess maybe it was because inside I knew that these people that I met were passing. The people that I met I might not ever meet again, so if they didn’t like me, then that was fine. When I got back, I innocently thought that all of that was behind me, that somewhere along my path I had shed my insecurities and that I was free from all the things that had weighed me down. In order for that to happen I think I might have to be on the Camino for a very, very long time, until perhaps I became someone else completely.
It’s so easy to be at ease when you are away from the real world; away from everything that counts. I have come back and all the fears that had temporarily taken vacation have come back, with their luggage intact. They have come back rested and with Hawaiian shirts on, ready to get back to work, eating at me slowly and with newfound zeal.
I think I might be this way because somewhere, sometime, I decided that I wasn’t worthy of love. I don’t believe I’m worthy of anyone’s love. The weird thing is that I am capable of admitting these things about my personality, but I have no idea how to fix them.
I have been told throughout my life that I am someone who is very easy to love. Every time I have been told this, I secretly wonder what the person that has said this has been smoking. What, I wonder, could these people see in me that would make them think that I am easy to love. I always chalk it up to the fact that they don’t really know me on the inside.
I don’t feel accomplished. I don’t feel like the things that I have done in my life amount to much, and I always think that I could have done so much more. When my mother or people that I know tell me that I have done great things I think that it is simply that I have painted a pretty picture for them to look at and that they are all fooled. The worst part is that with that belief comes a fear that one day I will be discovered as a fraud.
Talent, beauty, intelligence, these are all things that I am praised with but when I look in the mirror I just don’t see them. When I am feeling brave, I sit in front of the mirror searching for these things and some days I can’t find them.
I have heard that there is this exercise that you can do in order to see if you are happy with yourself: sit in front of a mirror, with no music and no one else in the room and stare at yourself for one minute, if you cannot do this then you are not happy with yourself. I am not sure if I have ever done this, but it is something that I should probably try.
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine asked me why it was that I talked about all the darker sides of my personality, bad things that had happened to me throughout my life and things that I felt I was afflicted with. He thought that I was a person who was plagued with bad things. He comes from a culture where you don’t talk about the bad things and this way they simply don’t exist.
If I talk about my dark moments and my dark sides it is because I believe: “Guerra avisada no mata soldados.” This means that wars that have been announced don’t kill soldiers. So maybe if I take my fears and my weaknesses and put them out there then perhaps at least they don’t come behind and surprise me.
Tomorrow is my best friend Sophie’s wedding. She and her husband to be, Andy, are so made for each other that being around them is refreshing and wonderful. They don’t stress, they don’t worry and they are two of the most secure people I have ever met in my life. I guess in the process, I have found myself in front of a big mirror and am wondering why it is that I am not more secure within myself.
When I look at myself all I see is what is wrong. And the funny thing is that I am not a glass-half-empty kind of gal. When a problem comes my way I usually attack it with all I’ve got and have faith that I will get through it. So why don’t I have as much faith in my attributes as I do in my resolve?
I guess I wear that sentiment on my sleeve. It’s a funny thing really because sometimes I will have deep conversation with people I have never met and a comment which comes to me after a conversation is that I am too hard on myself; people that know me well say that too.
This kind of insecurity would not go away if I was to climb Mt. Everest, own my own Fortune 500 Company, have a beautiful and healthy family and never had to worry about money again in my life. I wonder at what moment I convinced myself that I wasn’t worthy of love or that I shouldn’t be liked. I am sometimes surprised when certain members of my friends or family tell me that they miss me or that they think I’m great. I many times wish that I could share that sentiment.
Though I feel very alone in this feeling that I have, I think maybe lots of people feel this way sometimes, there is this very cheesy movie which has a line that the main character repeats to himself all the time “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me.” I sometimes think that I should tattoo this on my forehead (backwards obviously) so that every time I look at the mirror I remember these things, but then, a tattoo on my forehead would be very unattractive and the simple fact of the tattoo would not take away the feelings inside.
I guess for now I will just have to practice the “fake it ‘til you make it” technique. If I simply tell myself that I am good enough, that I am smart enough and that people really do love me, maybe one day I will actually believe it.
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