Finding humility

The most common question that goes around on the Camino is "Why?". This inquiry is in reference to the reason why you in particular took this journey, this hard, trying and long journey. I was asked this question yesterday and realized that I don´t really know.

When I left San Juan de Ortega (the stop right before Burgos) I was feeling ill. It was the second day that I was feeling this way, and somehow, I knew that I was brewing an infection. I walked ahead from David who has to go slow due to his tendinitis. I was to get to Burgos earlier and head straight to the doctor. I did alright for the first 20km or so, at which point all my body ached and I stopped to take a drink of water and rest for a moment. Well, that did it, I could no longer walk, my pack, which lately had felt like a feather on my back, now felt like a boulder I had to carry on my frail pain-ridden body.

As I am stubborn as all hell, I tried to gather the strength and energy to finish the path to Burgos on foot. I wanted to be able to tell myself that I had completed the entire Camino on foot, like in the olden days. But I had to level with myself, I could in theory finish by foot, but then I was afraid I would push myself too far and make myself much worse. With pain in my heart and tears in my eyes I walked one more block to the bus stop that would take me into the center of Burgos. I paid the bus driver the fare and silently cried at my weakness, my failure and my lack of stealth.

I thought: I should be made of stronger stuff, my feet, my period, my weak immune system. I must be nothing more than a Cuban American Princess who should never have left home, like my grandmother has told me. I wanted to run off the bus and walk back to where I had taken it, but my body was too weak to even entertain this idea for too long.

Two pilgrims that I had met before got on the bus a couple of stops after me and we together made our way to the Albergue. I checked in and went straight to the doctor, where I was informed that I was suffering from a laryngitis infection. She gave me antibiotics and powerful drugs and ordered that I should rest at least a day. I went back to the albergue and showered, shivering even in this very warm and very modern albergue due to the immense fever that was slowly getting the best of me.

Despite the fact that my hair was so dirty it was stuck to my head, I didn´t wash it, I picked it up in a bun and applied cream to my very warm and red face. and decided there was nothing I could do about my feverish eyes. I got a bite to eat and had my meds. I lied down in bed, a single bed on the fifth floor that is usually reserved for disabled people as this albergue is compliant with all ADA regulations. Since there are no disabled people staying here now, the hospitaleiro allowed David and I to have the single beds, David did not arrive until 4 hours later.

As I was lying down, my fever spiked and my cheeks burned. I satyed in bed most of the evening, except for the moment when my german friends brought me something to eat downstairs.

I barely moved that night, not even the restricting shape of the mummy-like sleeping bad bothered me that night. Usually, I move around so much that the fact that I have to keep my feet tightly together makes me wake up. The next morning Luis the hospitalero allowed us to stay one more night due to my doctor´s note. I was too weak to do much, cold for most of the day but sad because I felt I wasn´t strong enough to do what so many people, older people, were doing so easily.

I am still here two nights later, having taken another day´s rest in order to completely get better before I venture into cold April showers again.

Where I thought I was weak, I am coming to terms with my humanity and realizing that sometimes you need to take a step back in order to appreciate the things that are meant to happen. Yesterday I was asked again why it was that I did the Camino. We were having lunch and I was really missing Cuban warmth. What we call "que te pasen la mano". All I wanted was to lay my head on my mothers legs and have her stroke my hair, in an act that mean that everything was going to be OK and that I was not alone. And then I realized why I was there at that moment.

I have always been a very protected girl. At least I have always known that no matter what happens, I have a safety net underneath me in case I fall. I think that one of the reasons I might have come is to see if I can make it alone. Even thought people have told me that I will never be alone, and I rarely have been on this journey, I didn´t want to even speak to people while I was here, but that was unrealistic.

I was surrounded by people yesterday and nonetheless, by not having anyone to give me a hug, I felt alone. I was not protected, I was not with my people.

The moment passed and after I took a nap I began to feel better. I was again in better spirits and talked to everyone. In the evening, I began to chat with a guy named Daniel. The conversation became very deep, about the meaning of life and our approach to it. Sometime between that conversation and this morning I was humbled, i began to let go and I started to accept that perhaps stopping was something I had to do.

Daniel told me that at one point he simply began to trust that everything would be OK, and that he had faith that it did. He said that at times in his life he has wished to know where he would be in the future, just to know that there was a direction in which he was to travel, but then he said that if he knew what direction he was to take that he would probably run the other way. I recalled a wish that have had many times, I would have loved to flash forward and know that I am going to be OK, that my people are going to be OK, I don´t want to know what difficulties I will have along the way, just that the outcome will be good.

I then realized, that like David, I would probably want to run in a different path, that is just my nature.

David told me that he thought he had enough money to finish and get home, that he wasn´t sure, but that he trusted that he would be fine. He talked about a heart at peace vs a heart at war, and I wondered what the hell I was fighting so hard for.

Sometimes I´m so used to just fighting, for everything, to kick a bad habit, to make a good one, to try harder, to arrive at a chosen destination.

After another long, philosophical breakfast with someone named Nicholas this morning, I went out by myself to walk around the city. Something bizarre happened to me: my mind was quiet. I wasn´t worried about making it to Santiago, about my family, about my boyfriend, about my career, I wasn´t worried about anything. I simply walked around the city and went at the pace of my choosing, walked down to the edge of the river when it called, touched the water to see if it was cold, watched the ducks swim with and against the current, I simply was and I simply am.

I trust I will make it to Santiago, but I don´t know when. I trust that my life will go in the direction it needs to, though I don´t know which. I trust that tomorrow morning, I will wake up and the earth will still exist, but I don´t know that It will. I trust that I will have children one day, but I don´t know how many.

Daniel said that events in nature happen exactly when they are meant to happen, and not a moment sooner, because nature is perfect. The water that flows down a river parts only after it hits a rock, and not before. The water does not see the rock and split itself up in preparation.

I meant to be so prepared for this trip. But no matter how many lists I have made, how many special equipment I bought or how many times I went over the maps, this journey hasn´t been a thing like I had expected. I didn´t expect 16 blisters, I didn´t expect the pain, I didn´t expect the people and I didn´t expect the tears. I have cried so much on this trip I feel more like fountain than a pilgrim.

I have cried at the sight of beauty, at the presence of God, missing my family, missing my boyfriend, at the loss of expectation and at the thought of the unknown ahead, at fear and even about a dead snake I almost stepped on.

There is a song called "You Humble Me Lord". I am not a person who is prone to outwardly admitting that I have been humbled, but I feel smaller and more human every day. I have always wanted to conquer the world in my own way, prove my strength and stand out. I know now that I must first tackle me before I can move on to anything else, and I have a feeling that´s going to be a lifelong project.

But luckily, even in the moments that I try to be alone in order to stand up on my own, life comes back and shows me that it´s much easier to get up in the morning when you have someone to "pasarte la mano" and now I wonder why I would ever want it any other way.

A little bit smaller, but bursting with love, I remain humbly yours,

Veronica