I am not a good receiver of gifts, especially if I like them. I always take long to process things, traumas, occurrences. When I arrived in Santiago yesterday I was in a daze, I´m afraid that daze hasn´t quite passed. There are moments when I feel numb and there are moments when I feel sad. I am sad that I will not get to continue of the Camino.
I understand those who continue walking to Finisterre, and though I might do the same tomorrow morning, it seems like a sorry attempts at holding on to something that is already gone. The saying "the journey is more important than the goal" (or something) must have been talking about the Camino.
In the coming months I´m sure all this blur I have in my head will clear and I will be able to discern one thing from another, right now I just feel sad. I have met so many wonderful people, learned from them and have been able to give them love in return that if I had a valve to measure the love in my body I would be almost on full.
Santiago is a happy place for most, it´s the end of a goal, a triumph, something that they have wanted for so long. I think that for me it started out that way and then became about the journey.
I don´t know how I am feeling yet. I wish I did, I wish I could write this beautiful sonnet, a song, a diatribe, but I have nothing. This trip has been nothing if unexpected, even in this.
Perhaps if I am able to collect my thoughts together I shall write something this afternoon. Now I stand as a writer without words, a creator without feeling and a pilgrim at the end of her road.
I´m not sad. I´m not angry. I´m not happy, excited or scared. I am in Santiago, and that´s it.
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Still you are there, and the journey and the destination have melded. Understand that the journey did not start in France nor does it end in Santiago. The Camino is a magnifying glass of the real journey and destination. Be proud you have the imagination, drive and courage to look through the glass.
ReplyDeleteYour words made me think about an old song be Carly Simon called “Anticipation”
ReplyDeleteWe can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway…
And tomorrow we might not be together
I'm no prophet, I don't know natures way
So I'll try to see into your eyes right now
And stay right here, 'cause these are the good old days.
---
Whenever we want something, there is a sense of anticipation about the moment when we achieve it. And it is actually that anticipation what in the end will have given us the greatest joy. Anticipation encompasses excitement, thrill, longing, mystery, uncertainty, fear, imagination and a whole lot of fantasy. It is an exciting process where we are very much alive. I long ago realized that any goal is intrinsically a failure because the end of the road obliges us to a new beginning. We must again start something new with its own goal. The cycle goes on and on. I always compare it to sex; it is the anticipation and the foreplay that makes it wonderful, not the 3 to 7 second orgasm; or to winning an Oscar, so much dreams, hopes, talent, creations, ups and downs and hard work are invested in the anticipation of having a few seconds to make yourself look silly holding on to a statute in front of millions of people. I have rehearsed my Oscar speech in front of the mirror since I was a little girl – with tears and all – and each of those times I felt the elation of actually winning. It can’t possibly be sweeter the day it happens.
So rejoice in the fact that you enjoyed the feeling of Santiago since the very first day the crazy idea popped into your head, since the Internet searches, the preparing and the packing. Since the first step you took from Saint Jean Pied de Port toward the Pyrenees. Santiago was in the blisters, in the cold, in the rain, in the smiles, in the lady that washed your tired feet, in David’s words, in all the small and so meaninful acts of kindness, in the eyes of the Germans, the Dutch, the Americans, the Irish, the Spanish – strangers that became friends and family if but for hours - in the inspiration of those that had walked the path many times, in the words and solidarity of all of us who followed your path from many other places in the world. You see, reaching the Santiago in Galicia may just be déjà vu to you now, because you reached Santiago in your heart a long long time ago. I was there that day – in the kitchen at the office - and I saw the reflection of the Cathedral in your eyes…
With all my love,
Your proud Mommy
El camino no acaba en Santiago.
ReplyDeleteEMPIEZA EN SANTIAGO!!!!
BUEN CAMINO!!!